Sand is overrated

Straight to Fame-ish

2009-01-07T01:29:56Z

I'm there somewhere.

Answer the call:

2008-09-12T12:51:48Z

Heard any good jokes lately?

(Katie is bored).

Straight to Famous, continued

2008-06-12T17:55:20Z

An important update...

Step four in Alice's journey to fame:

It is also a step in Kevyn's journey to fame, so if you haven't bought it yet... go get it and then blog about how great it is. That's what I'm doing.

Thing 1 aka Alice

Smells like burnt popcorn in here

2008-05-19T19:57:58Z

Are we paralyzed now? I feel mostly sleepy. I sense that co-worker is about to call me Kat, and if he does, by God, I will hurl this tape dispenser across the room at his skull.

Katie

T-Minus...

2008-04-30T04:34:16Z

Seventeen days, people.... until paralyzing freedom.

An Open Letter to Alice Yorke

2008-04-14T15:30:00Z

Dear Alice,
It is 11:24 a.m. and I am sitting at my desk at the Church Pension Group, sneezing. Because I have a cold. For breakfast I ate a Nutri-Grain bar and some chocolate. I tried to stop at Duane Reade before work to get some cold medicine, but it was closed--even stranger, between the front glass doors and the metal grate behind them sat three people and one dog. They appeared to be stuck, but I don't know how they got there in the first place. Now, looking back, I feel that it's possible I dreamed that.
I'm trying to read a book about the 1960 presidential election. It won a Pulitzer, but that doesn't keep it from being BORING.
I saw your play yesterday; it was hella awesome.
Anyway, I am writing this open letter because the last time this Live Journal was updated was in January. I still check it frequently to see if you've updated, and I'm curious if you do the same. I am curious if anyone checks this, ever. I don't want it to become lost to the Internet.

Ok, see you soon.

Katie

My crumbs were Corsica

2008-01-31T16:43:45Z

The last bite of the English Muffin I just ate looked like France.

I should have sold it on E-Bay.

Alice

Straight to Famous in '08

2008-01-22T17:14:15Z

So as you’ve all been alerted, Katie and I are working on our big time movie script, but I thought you’d like to know a little bit about our roads to fame. I’ll start with my own and let Katie update on you all on hers. Here goes:

We decide to become famous.
The very next day, a newspaper man takes a picture of Alice (and family) and prints their New Year’s Resolution in The Link of Long Branch and Monmouth Beach. People start recognizing the starlet all over the Two River area and praising her for her inspirational resolution.
Alice is credited for her translation work on the short documentary “The Flowering of the Crone” at the Leonora Carrington exhibit in San Fransico. Calls start pouring in, requesting her beautiful translations of French texts.

So there you have it, folks. Straight to famous. In case anyone ever asks you how it got started, now you are armed with knowledge. Go forth and spread the good word of Fuze!

Alice

PS. I'll post the clipping from The Link as soon as I can, I know you're all dying to see it.

a fuze for the ages

2008-01-02T04:35:37Z

Well, the inevitable has happened. This hilarious blog of ours has been contacted by a big-time Hollywood producer who thinks that we are capable of penning a major motion picture (Credibility check: are producers still referred to as "big-time Hollywood producers"?). This could not be less surprising to either of us, who started this blog with the fully realized knowledge that our combined wit, our keen glimmer of unadulterated talent, our girlish good looks, would take us to levels of fame heretofore unreached by humankind. How fortuitous that this offer should arrive on the first day of the year we pledged to make ourselves famous!

Keep your eyes on this Live Journal, world, because this is where history is literally being made.

In other news, I used to say "cut a bitch" all the time, and I haven't said it in a while. I should really pick that up again.

Ka2ie.

Let's do this:

2007-12-16T02:22:34Z

Not to be THAT girl but last night was I drunk and throwing up in a cab and at some point I hit my forehead against something hard enough to leave a bump today. I wish I could remember what that something was.

Also I would like to say that as a boyfriend, Adam Church is totally boss.

Katie

Ew.

2007-12-01T18:04:07Z

I think people pee in the showers at the V.

Duane Reade

2007-10-26T18:00:18Z

The other night I went to Duane Reade after a long day at school to buy contact solution and a toothbrush. I found them both easily enough and the cashier lady was very friendly, telling me that she loved the toothbrush I chose, and that she'd been using it happily for five years.

When she smiled her teeth were brown and one of them was nearly falling out.

Alice

bored at kim's video

2007-10-20T00:29:14Z

Oh, right, we have a live journal.
I don't like the manager I'm working with right now, because I have never seen an awkwarder person treat other awkward people with more disdain.
You know?

Katie

NYPL

2007-09-16T03:33:52Z

Kids, always remember to return your library books on time or to renew them in a timely manner. You really don't want to end up with fines like this one:

Blocks Number of Blocks: 4
Current Balance: $27.25

$27.25!!!!!!!!!

I don't spend that much money books I'm buying! $21 for ONE MOVIE!!!!! My god I'm a dumbass!

I wonder if this is how Brooke Astor became the NYPL's greatest benefactor--late fees. I fuckin doubt it.

Alice, of course. Katie isn't stupid enough to let something like this happen to her.

Food and Miniseries

2007-08-28T22:25:59Z

So, I officially move into 3E on Saturday, September 1st, and I am bringing with me a cookbook I somewhat rashly bought on Amazon.com. The cookbook is rather adorably aimed at college students (indeed, its title is Cooking Outside the Pizza Box) and, though I have never been known for culinary "abilities" or what have you, I feel confident that I can manage at least a few of the recipes within.
So, here is what I suggest. The following is a list of possible dinners I can whip up, thanks to Jean Patterson and Danae Campbell, authors. I would like the readers of this live journal to vote on the most delicious (or edible), and then I will cook that meal for as many as can be served by it. This would also be the time to reserve a plate for yourself.
The meal will be followed by dance parties, and served with alcohol, I'd imagine.
These are the exact names the cookbook provides:

1. OLD FASHIONED HAMBURGERS WITH "THE WORKS." Serves 4 to 6.
2. PORTOBELLO MUSHROOM WRAPS WITH GARLIC MAYONNAISE. Serves 2.
3. BARBECUE CHICKEN (OR SHRIMP) PIZZA. Serves 4.
4. SKIRT STEAK FAJITAS. Serves 4.
5. TERIYAKI CHICKEN BREASTS. Serves 2.
6. POT ROAST WITH ONIONS, POTATOES, AND CARROTS. Serves 4 to 6.
7. SPICY CHILI (Perfect for feeding a crowd!!!! say Jean and Danae). Serves 4 to 6.

On a side note, Alice and I plan to have lots of Movie Days this year. For those not in the know (I think this would be just about everyone), Alice and I didn't do cool things in high school but would spend whole days eating food and watching movie after movie. This includes the one particularly memorable occasion when we stayed awake for roughly 24 hours watching only movies that starred Christopher Walken and/or Steve Buscemi. It was called Stevie and Ronnie Day, and it has subsequently gone down in history.
Anyway, Alice, we should watch The 10th Kingdom. It will take us a while, but it's (not) worth it.

Ok, I guess that's everything.
KC

Pinochle

2007-08-13T15:14:31Z

Did you guys ever sing/listen to The Hearse Song as children? Well I did, and I thought I'd share it with you all:

Don't you laugh when the hearse goes by
'Cause you might be the next to die

They'll wrap you up in a clean white sheet
And put you down about six feet deep

They put you into a wooden box,
And cover you over with earth and rocks.

It's not so bad for the first few weeks
Until your coffin begins to leak.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
The worms play pinochle on your snout

They eat your eyes, they eat your nose
They eat the jelly between your toes

They eat your clothes, they eat your hat
They crawl in skinny, and crawl out fat

Your teeth fall in and your eyes pop out,
Your brains come trickling down your snout.

Then you turn disgustingly green
Your skin as slimy as whipping cream.

So next time you see the hearse go by
Watch out!
You may be the next (pause)
To (pause)
Die!

Alice (of course)

"I'd Aguamenti you, but you just got out of the shower"

2007-07-24T16:02:53Z

Since getting our books on Saturday, Kevyn and I have not stopped jinxing each other. Sometimes we have to make up the spells because they are only just referred to--the Bat Bogey Hex, for example, which I do by saying "Batbogify!" My most frequently used is "Augamenti". Nobody ever uses it when they're dueling, which disappoints me very much. I mean, how awesome would it be to be dueling with someone, and then to totally catch them off guard by spraying them with water?? Totally awesome!
However, this is also a very revealing game, as Kevyn has taken to using "Crucio" pretty much whenever. Also, he's "Avada Kedavra"d me at least four times. He claims he likes the Dark Arts just because Raph Fiennes is so awesome, but that seems a feeble excuse to me. I don't know what can be done.
So, Fuzeit lovers, what are your favorite spells?

Alice Longbottom

fuzeitorloseit @ 2007-07-20T12:37:00

2007-07-20T16:39:19Z

Hey guys. It's been exactly a month since our last Fuze. I don't really have much to say except that I hope the next four hours fly by because then it's time for Harry Potter MADNESS!!!!!!!

alice

Pretty sneaky, Democratic candidates

2007-06-20T15:28:04Z

Hillary Clinton almost tricked me into voting for her with this ever-so-clever campaign video that features Bill and a parody of the Sopranos finale:

http://defamer.com/hollywood/short-ends/and-starring-hillary-clinton-as-tony-soprano-270426.php

Funny! That is, until you realize that the video is actually a way to reveal Hil's campaign song, chosen by the American people who care about that sort of thing, and that the chosen song is "You and I" by Celine Dion.

Here's betting that Obama's campaign theme is 100x sexier.

(An old man came into the bookstore on Monday and asked where our political section was. He picked up a copy of Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope and laid it on the counter.
"You know he's going to be across the street today, right?" the man said.
"WHAT!?!" I said.
"Yeah, you should display his book. Instant publicity," the man advised.
"I should just leave and go over there," I said.
"Well, that too," said the man.
I sent a couple euphoric text messages. I pressed the man for details about Barack's appearance, but all he could say was "That's what they're setting up for right now."
I began to realize that if Barack Obama was in fact appearing across the street from my bookstore, someone would have informed me by now. Further investigation led to no evidence whatsoever of anything being "set up for." I checked Obama's campaign website, and sure enough, at 1:45 p.m. on Monday the 18th, he was speaking somewhere in Iowa. Thanks, old man. Thanks for nothing.)

Katie

Just another day...

2007-06-07T14:35:21Z

For those of you who don't know, I babysit regularly for 4-year old twins named Aga and Stella and their 2-year old brother, Oliver. (Aga is a nickname for Alexander, which was too hard for Stella to say as a baby. It has stuck lo these four years.) Yesterday I had to give them a bath. They have really cute towels for after bathtime, like this: www.sugarbearz.com/images/mullins_square/tubbie_puppy.jpg. So everybody gets out of the bath and I herd them into their bedroom to get dressed. As I'm putting Stella's clothing, Aga squeals "My PENIS!" This declaration alone was no cause for concern since the twins love to talk about their genitals (one time Stella told me "I have a bagina. Aga has a bagina"). However, it was when I turned around to tell him not to scream the word penis that the next, more troubling declaration came:

"My PENIS is sticking out!"

And sure enough it was. All he wanted to do was look at it. And then I had to dress him. It was pretty difficult to get through the rest of the day without crying/laughing every time I looked at him.

I'm never going to have a boy. I'm not planning on having children of any sort, but if there's some sort of unhappy accident, god I hope it's a girl.

Alice

fuzeitorloseit @ 2007-06-03T11:21:00

2007-06-03T15:23:57Z

I told this to Katie yesterday and now I want to share it with all of you:

Last night, I had my first brain freeze. In fact, I had two!!! It was so great!!! I feel like I'm finally becoming a person!

Thanks for sharing this happy time with me, guys. I can only hope there's more brain freezes where those ones came from!

Alice!!

fuzeitorloseit @ 2007-05-17T11:47:00

2007-05-17T15:58:16Z

GUYS DO YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT THIS:

Kid Nation
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/fall_preview_2007/

This is a reality show about 40 kids brought to a remote former mining town in New Mexico and left there to build a society without any adults. Yes, it's just like Lord of the Flies, but with feelings, and there were several instances where I broke down sobbbbbbbing at the above video preview:
*Glasses Boy 1 admits that it's "just been really stressful and tough. I'm just gonna have to keep pushing."
*Moments later, a fight is about to break out in a town council meeting, and Token Black Boy, on the verge of a breakdown, yells out in tears "Yelling is not going to settle things!"
*Blonde Skater Boi steps up and makes an inspirational speech about...something. I don't know, he's 12, he's not very articulate.
*Glasses Boy 2 announces that he misses his brother, because the brother is in a wheelchair. He breaks down in tears (he's like 9) and everyone starts to hug him as Full House reckoning music begins to play.

Guys, I am not even joking. Watch the preview. I cried really hard, and then I watched it again to describe all these scene and cried even harder. I am going to watch every episode.

KC

Oh, no

2007-05-15T20:27:26Z

Today I visited a teacher in his office and noticed a poem that he had taped onto his wall. This was it:

Oh, yes by Charles Bukowski

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.

Seeing that was a rather sad moment for me. I wonder who can guess which teacher it was...

1. is the lonliest number?

Second verse, same as the first:

2007-04-30T05:51:27Z

From here on in, I'm using this live journal to chronicle my crazy drug adventures.
A while ago, I took some caffeine pills, and now I feel all weird.
I don't know how to describe it. My brain is clicking.
Also, I am in a squatting position on top of my chair.

There is ink all over my fingers. When I was a junior in high school, I went to talk to Mrs. McConnell, the guidance counselor, about what I wanted to do with my life. We called her Snaggletooth, because she had a snaggle tooth. Actually, I came up with that name and pretty soon everyone was using it and then I felt sort of bad about it, because she really didn't mean any harm. I told her I wanted to be a writer. That day I happened to be wearing a scarf and a pen had happened to explode all over my hands, so I looked the part, i.e. crazy.

Mmmm, yeah. I just submitted a poem to a contest. In the submission form, I had to describe the poem, and I said: "...is a poem about whether or not to assume a position of appraisal of someone else’s life. The speaker, a young woman, studies her wealthy older employer and attempts to decipher the trajectory of their separate lives." BULLSHIT. It's a poem about killing ants with a stapler.

What relatively harmless pill should I try next?
I feel really good about my life.

KCCCCCCC.

Nyquil Death post

2007-04-26T05:11:44Z

I just took some Nyquil.
I'm starting to get dizzy. Dizzy and awesome. Awesome and dizzy.
There are doors slamming all over the place, and voices from the kitchen.
I ate ice cream in Times Square tonight. I know, right? With the rest of RA4. There was a moment when we were all standing on the subway platform waiting for the shuttle and Norrell and Shadira were singing and dancing to Dreamgirls and Shadira was nearly hitting a nearby stranger with her umbrella and we were all laughing and I thought about how I'm going to miss them. DAMN IT, Residence Life.
I'm probably about to fall asleep in my clothes.

Here is my favorite sentence that I've written so far for the creative writing story due Friday: From his adolescent daughter, Keith found the look creepy—Autumn composed herself like a wax figurine; her dark eyes seemed scratched out, as with a thumbtack.

Whatever. I should crawl into bed now. The other day someone jumped out the window, high, wanting to swim. Someone in some position of power wrote a letter of clarification to all the students--"He attempted to exit the window and land on a lower level. He did not execute the maneuver as planned." Adam pointed out the hint of disappointment in that statement--as though, had he executed the maneuver as planned, it would have been totally awesome!

Thus ends the verse.
Katie